i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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