FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
