Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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