I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
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you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
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I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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