call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
