took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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