Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
