I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
