K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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