As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
