Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
