I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
