I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
