how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
