I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
