I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
