I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
