everyone is single if you try hard enough
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
