Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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