i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
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Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...