You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.