Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
