I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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