god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
