Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
