Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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