Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
