seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
he was CRYING into my vagina
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
