it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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