Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
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i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
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He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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