so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
