I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
