did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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