I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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