final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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