Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
