I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
