If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
