Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
