dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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