you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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