so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
