So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
