Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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