We're like a lot better than the average bears
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
