Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
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Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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