I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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