I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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