I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
How external is "for external use only"?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
