Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
