my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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