"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
