I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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