literally had 100 drinks last night.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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