Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
