I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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