i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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