there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
