i already hear my dad disowning me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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